Welcome spring!

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new blog

I have opened a new blog for more space. 
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It must be hard to be you.

Poor Eirik, it must be so hard to be him sometimes. Really.. He's so smart and trying desperately to catch up emotionally and socially to his intellectual level. He KNOWS what could and should happen, but he's not big enough or old enough or emotionally stable enough and his frustration levels hit boiling over often. I think he was born with this scowl. He is always thinking and scheming and planning. I went through his big box of his important things the other night when he was asleep. (don't tell him.) For just a moment I got a deeper glimpse of what it must be like to be in his brain and, man, it must be hard. He has an empty deodorant bottle of Pauls in there. He wants so much to be grown up, but I don't think he even knows what it is for, but he knows he needs it to be a man. He knows he needs to be tough and strong like his dad, and then when he feels scared or sad or overwhelmed he is so mad at himself. Because he is so mature in many ways it's hard to remember how small he is. It's hard to not want him to finally be done with sippy cups and tantrums. He wants to be in charge of everything and everyone. It must be so hard for him to be small since he is obviously leader material and everyone should obviously be listening to him and following him at all times. :) How frustrating for him. He calls himself a teenager and already has big life plans, but then he will say, "mom, I'm not going to college because I never want to leave you." He is wound so tight inside all the time that the smallest things set him off in a big way. If he can't get his zipper up or something tied onto him or some of his gear just how he wants it, he screams in complete frustration. He has absolutely no patience with himself or others. Again, I say, "it must be SO hard for him." The other day he was picking at his earlobe and making it bleed again (something he has done since he was a baby) and Paul told him to try to stop and Eirik said, "Dad, I just have to. I feel better when I do it." Paul said, "son, I know just how you feel." and then he showed Eirik his thumb that he has picked till it's bleeding. Hmm... I wonder where Eirik got it from. I'm glad Eirik has his Dad to help him deal with all that ENERGY!

By the fire

I have always had this vision in my head that a happy family sits around the fire and reads books and talks at night. I know.. sometimes I'm pathetically idealistic. (and maybe I've read too much Ray Bradburry and Madeline L'Engle.) And yet, this month has been just dreamy because we have our first fireplace and we actually turn it on and sit together and read. Most nights Eirik cries and throws a fit because he wants to watch tv, but once we get reading he's great at listening. He catches EVERYTHING. I think his reading retention is better than mine. If I re-read a book he will tell me if I say one word different. It must be hard to be so smart. Tonight I set out sleeping bags and let the kids sleep under the Christmas tree. I think it will be a snow day tomorrow so why not live it up? I used to love sleeping under the Christmas tree. I'm glad Paul took this picture of my vision coming to life. I do love to read to my kids.

PS. Eirik had to wear these goggles to preschool every day this week..even before it snowed. He also refused to get dressed for church this morning so we took him in his pajamas. Paul decided at the last minute not to let him walk into sacrament in his PJs. I was hoping it would embarrass him enough to teach him a lesson, but Paul said, "I know Eirik and he is not going to be embarrassed, he's just going to think he won." He is probably right, and he forced him to change in the car.
The kids have been getting happy or sad faces lately based on behavior. Two weeks in a row they have gotten more sad faces than happy faces even with SANTA as incentive to be good. It's been a bit rough. Joren keeps stealing from friends houses. Eirik stole from Walmart. They hit each other constantly and Joren uses bathroom words all day long and says, "is that funny?" each time. Joren peed on the basement floor at our friends house. Eirik is incredibly obstinate and sassy and has HUGE tantrums. However, they do have good moods where they are so sweet you want to eat them up though. Eirik told me he was going to do all my chores for me from now on and asks me every night (usually after being a complete pill) if there is anything he can do for me. And Joren always follows me around saying "I wuv you mom." They are good and I'm probably going to have to make some happy faces magically appear so that Santa can still come because I'm more excited than they are. :) he he.
I think these next few Christmases are going to be the most fun we'll ever have at Christmas in our lives. I hope they like what we found for them. I can't wait! 12 days and counting down!

Teigalicious!

Yes this child is delicious.

Joren turns 3!

Joren loves to say, "I'm not Joren, I'm Diego." so we threw him a Diego party. The kids got to go on animal rescue missions and save animals all over the house. They got "swamp juice" (apple juice with Swedish fish and nerds and green food coloring) and got to do an obsticle course over "crocidile alley" and up the "rainforest trees". I made Joren a Diego outfit and the kids got magnifying glasses, maps and whistles in their little packs. Joren had a good time, but I think he might have had just as much fun if it were just our family. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this birthday party hoopla is necessary. I think he really liked it, but most importantly he is a happy kid and he knows we "wike" him. He is so fun and easy going. He is so proud that he is potty trained. He is growing up so fast. We are lucky to be his parents.

Anona'a painting

There are some people that come into our lives that make a huge impact. My friend Anona is one of them. I have never met someone so completely selfless and thoughtful and genuine in my life. She is a great example to me. I have never heard her complain and she always has a smile and it's not a fake smile. I just love to be in her presence so I can do my best to try to be just a little bit like her. She asked me to help her decorate her house and I felt it such an honor because I got to be around her and because I love to decorate. She was so sweet. She thinks everything I suggest is gold, and does everything I recommend, which makes working with her a pleasure. She is a great deal finder. She found this comforter for her master bedroom for about $70. She bought 6 or 7 bed sets and let me pick the one I liked best. I chose this one and we used it as a base to decorate her room. She found this headboard on Craigslist for $20 and repainted it. She found the side dressers there too for I think $60 for 3 and painted them. The lamps were a garage sale find that she spray painted. (Did I mention she is an amazing do it your selfer?) I thought the room needed some big artwork since it was such a large room and since the budget was tight I thought I would paint something for her and trade. She has really made it worth my time with how generous she is, and I had a great time painting this for her.
Her wedding song was "grow old along with me" so I painted the words up the trunk of the tree. I think trees are lovely symbols for family, growth, change, seasons, bearing fruit, and shelter which all seemed very appropriate for a painting hanging above a master bed.
I think this piece turned out pretty nice and I will definitely use the stencil technique again.
I always worry when I do commission pieces that the recipient won't like it as much as I do. The last thing I want is someone to think, "oh great, how long do I have to have this up before I can take it down and not hurt her feelings." Fortunately, I think they do like this piece and I hope they will for some time. Thanks for letting me do it for you Anona. You're truly a gem.

Thanksgiving

We decided we wanted to host this year. The past three years our apartment was too small to have anyone over comfortably, but this year we feel really blessed to have room to share. So we invited a bunch of families. We tried to invite anyone we could think of that might not have a place to go this year. It turned out that most of the people we invited couldn't come, so we ended up with a much smaller crowd than I had anticipated. I really look forward to Thanksgiving. I love that Paul and I have made some traditions together and we each have our favorite things we like to make. I love to decorate for fall. I love the warm earthy colors and the cornucopia that symbolizes plenty and bounty. It's such a comforting holiday to get to appreciate, especially since we do feel like we have a bounty of blessings this year. I made a bunch of yellow circles this year and for the two weeks before Thanksgiving we wrote down things we are grateful for and then taped them to the wall. They formed a stack of "coins" that represent how "rich" we are in blessings.

We had a good time with our friends, and the food was delicious! We played a little rock band and boggle and pictionary and the kids had a good time too.
I think the day and the weekend went great, but to be honest, there was a cloud of sadness over our house. I don't think either Paul or I realized until later why we felt a little extra irritable and just sort of gloomy.. and well, it's because we miss our dad. It just doesn't feel right to celebrate when we still feel so sad. Not a day goes by that we don't cry. And I think holidays will be sad for a long time. At this time of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Steve and that I had him in my life.

A "sea" of yellow

As each season has unfolded in our new house, we have been blessed with wonderful surprises. This autumn brought to our front yard a "sea" of yellow to swim in. Although all our neighbors were very dutiful in raking up their leaves right away; I pleaded with Paul to leave our leaves just a few more days. We played in them every day for most of a week.













Happy Autumn!

Ah.. kids.

Me: "Eirik, please say something nice to your brother."

Eirik: "Nice night for a coon hunt."
(7 Brides for 7 Brothers reference)

Me: "You'll have to wait Joren, I can't do it that fast."
Joren: "Ven do it swower (slower)."

Our kids make me laugh every day..

First day of Playschool

lining up all his "naked" crayons.

Joren

Joren, our incessant climber, is constantly asking me: "What happens I fall down here?"

While telling me about his make believe walkie talkie Joren said, "watch mom, I push this button and air comes out. See. AIR!!"

While using a screw and a top to an orange juice concentrate can to "play" Joren said, "Look mom, I have my bery own bideo game!" (if only it could stay so simple.)

Joren proudly held up a piece of black licorice and said, "This is my birth jerkey." and insisted it was birth jerkey for the rest of the day.

"But I'm nice". (if ever Joren gets in trouble)

How can you be mad at a kid that says: "But I wike you"

Joren is constantly squealing and running from our "beast" of a dog and screaming: "Tor wiked me!"

"mom, you my best girl."

"Mom, i need you, I want you. I gone miss you."

If asked why he broke a rule or made a bad choice: "cause I need it." or "I had to."


While flying to Oregon: "This airplane is like a flyboat."

Where did you go today?
"A place wif sticks and hives to wiv in. It was weawy weawy big."

Who are your cousins?
"Jakey and Jake"

Who are your uncles?
"Who and Ha. "

What does your grandma look like?
"She has make up in her purse. Her purse is yewwow yewwow, yewwow, yewwow aww over."

"I'm not Joren, I'm Diego"

Joren is obsessed with all things small and rectangle. It is so weird. Dominoes, post-it not pads, phone batteries, magnets, blocks, pieces of cheese etc. Even pictures in books of small rectangle shaped things attract his attention. He calls them all his mini notebooks or handy dandy notebooks. Everyone hold on to your dominoes. He's swiped them from more than one house!

On Oct 20th Joren decided he was ready to be potty trained and he has refused to wear pull ups or diapers since. He's doing great. All of the sudden the light turned on and he is "in charge". He does not want me to choose his clothes or put on his seat belt or feed him or help him with most things. Independence suddenly happened. bye bye baby Joren. I will miss your baby stage. (of course I won't miss the diapers!)

"I'm not cute, I'm awesome!

Eirik


Eirik can't go on a walk without "GEAR" Today his sweater is his scarf and his headband makes him a great fighter. (of course!)

"This place smells like the inside of apples." Eirik

"Eirik, Did you know we were going to Oregon?"
"Oh, I thought we were going to Degoba."

Questionaire:
Eirik, what are your 5 most important pieces of gear?
1. Elkhorn hammer or knife
2. Black Stallion
3. Grey Cell Phone
4. Magnifying Glass
5. New Black Snowpants

What is the grossest thing you have ever eaten?
Noodles that I threw up.

"I was thinking to plant popcorn trees so I saved these popcorn seeds."

"gasoline is fire that fuels down with liquid. There's little tiny tiny cords that connect together and go into gasoline doors and get used up on fire liquid and helps the big rig go up and get burning. When the gas gets hard again it turns into flax."

"Mom, I've had enough of my life. Your life is way more interesting than mine."

I'm getting a lot of "I NEVER get to ....." or "I ALWAYS..." and comments like "fine, I'll just run away." or "fine, I'll just shoot myself."

"You're breaking my heart."

"You're cracking me apart."

"Oatmeal! This must stand short for the 'oaltimate' weapon!"

While practicing for the primary program: What is your part again Eirik? "I am the father of my Savior?" he said.
"NO! God is the father of my spirit!" I corrected.

Empathy

On the afternoon we learned of Steve's death, my sweet, loving 4 year old followed my distraught husband from room to room trying to console him with these words:

"I wish there was anything I could do for you. I wish I could bring you the moon. I wish I could bring the sun for you or bring all the sharks in the world and let you touch them. I wish I could make anything you want. I wish I could make you an expert at anything you would like or make you a doctor. I wish there was just anything I could do for you daddy. I love you daddy."

Steve's shoes

For the past few years whenever we have seen Steve, he has been wearing these shoes. They were perfect for him. They are sturdy, comfortable, cool, and dependable. On several occasions I told Paul we ought to buy some of the same kind for him. I think we even joked about swiping them. But that doesn't mean I wanted to wake up this morning and see them sitting on the floor on my husbands side of the bed. We got home from Oregon yesterday and I think Paul and I both wanted to come home and pretend for a while that none of the past week really happened. We hoped to get back to our routine and put on happy faces and dry our tears, but as I unpacked Steve's obituary and read our many sympathy cards and Paul wore Steve's shoes around, the reality of what has just happened struck me anew. The tragedy has followed us home and we can't pretend that the loss of our Dad is not as heartbreaking at home as it was at his graveside.

I've never had to grieve before. I didn't know how it would feel. The sorrow is so permeating.
I can only barely imagine the pain I would feel if I lost my Paul after 7 years with him, but I can't begin to wrap my brain around losing him after 42 years together. My heart breaks for my mother-in-law. No one prepares to be a widow at 59. Throughout the whole week Patty was a strength to all of us when I felt we should be the strength to her. I only saw her weep once and it was as the two of us talked and she expressed how lonely she will be. I know she is devastated and yet she was gracious and loving and very present for all of us and her grand kids. She emanated peace. Her words and demeanor testify that she is absolutely sure she will see him again after this life.
The memorial service was beautiful. The chapel and gym were packed nearly to the back wall. There were thousands of flowers. Arinn and I said the prayers, Kim led the music and Ben, Zach, Jeanette, Paul and Kristen and Steve's bishop spoke. Ben gave a moving life sketch. Zach talked of Steve's love for his wife and read excerpts from the love journal Pat and Steve kept. Jeanette, Paul and Kristen shared memories and stories about Steve and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. Steve's bishop could barely speak as he told of the many many acts of service Steve performed for people. I heard several people say it was the most inspiring funeral they had been to. Steve was real. There was no pretense. No one had to exaggerate to inspire us all to live a better life. It was said that Steve had become so pure that the Lord needed him to come home to do missionary work on the other side. It was true, he had become pure. His priorities were right. He loved God and served him. He put his family first. He died with his Book of Mormon open on his nightstand and his genealogy done all the way back to Julius Caesar. He lived an exemplary and righteous life.

No one in our family had to cook for a solid week and I have come home to another full week of meals provided by my wonderful friends here. The outpouring of love and sympathy we have received has been astounding. I didn't know how much I would appreciate it. I have sometimes in the past shortchanged people when sympathy was due underestimating the amount of sorrow they must feel. I have been solidly taught how to empathize and comfort others by the love we have been shown. I am so thankful for all of you who have called, sent flowers, emails, cards and prayers. Thank you. We are so grateful.

And even though I am comforted; I know he has passed on to a grand reunion on the other side of the veil, and I am buoyed up by so many who love us; I want him back. I don't want his shoes. I just want him back. I will miss him so much.

Grandpa

How do you explain to a child that someone they love is gone? How do you explain that they will never see their Grandpa again on this earth? How do you ever grieve enough that they won't get to grow up with this wonderful man? I am sad for me. I am sad for my Mother in law. I am sad for my husband. And I am so sad for my children. I hope that they can remember how a few short weeks before his death he spent a week straight serving them and loving them completely. I am so grateful that Steve got to meet Teig. I am so grateful that Teig got to meet Grandpa Steve. I am so glad to have this precious photo of them together to hang on our wall.

As he left Michigan a few weeks ago my heart was so full of love for this selfless man. He gave and gave. He worked when he should have been resting, never complaining or letting on that he felt bad. He found a million ways to bless our lives. He found things to fix that we did not know needed fixing. He was so generous. We have so many things because of him. His advise will always stick with me. I never grew tired of talking and laughing with him. He always made me feel appreciated and ok. One day I complained about my hair and he said, "that must be frustrating." He always knew what to say. I feel as if I was just getting to know him and I looked forward to spending lots more time with him. And of course I dreamed my kids would get to grow up with his wonderful example.
When Patty called to tell us the news today I hope I did not hang up on her. I think she said goodbye and hung up before I closed the phone. I think I remember saying, "I'll tell Paul." I wish I had said "I'm so sorry" I was frozen and shocked and left to think:. How do I tell my husband that his father has just died?" I loved him. My heart aches. I will tell my kids about him again and again and again. We will miss him so much.

Dear Dear Steve...

Pure love

"Mother,
I love you more than 1000 hundred and I will never dream of anyone else but you. When I grow up I will marry you. "
Eirik